It's 4pm on Saturday afternoon. My son (2yrs, 4months) has been asleep for almost an hour now. On a super duper amazing day he goes to sleep without a fuss and is asleep in less than 30 minutes. On a good day it takes around an hour to get him down for his nap. On a day like today and at least 2 days out of the week it takes over an hour and there is a lot of crying and screaming involved and, no, it isn't me doing the crying and screaming, although I may feel like it and some days I am brought to tears and even yelling over it. And let's not even talk about bedtime - bedtime makes nap time seem like a joke.
We have had issues from birth with his sleep. While these issues have changed over the last 2 years, they are still a great challenge to us. We do not believe in Crying it Out, although sometimes our son gives us no choice (continue reading for an explanation). We have a nap time routine and a bed time routine. Nap time involves eating lunch, I make sure he starts eating lunch no later than noon, so that I can have him in the bed absolutely no later than 1pm. After he finishes eating, he puts his plate in the sink, I take him to go potty, put his nap diaper on, and get him in the bed. If he isn't already screaming and crying at this point and he will let me snuggle him some, I love on him - hugs and kisses, kind words of praise and encouragement, sit with him and get him settled under the covers - those are the super duper days and sometimes the good days. More often than not, he starts fussing about nap time before we even get to the bed and won't let me hug him or kiss him or stay with him. He has a royal melt down and yells "go Mama." So I have no choice but to leave him and let him cry by himself. If I don't leave his screaming fit only worsens. I usually let him have his melt down for several minutes and then I go back in and if he lets me console him then I will. Sometimes that works and he settles in and goes to sleep. Sometimes after the crying and screaming has stopped he still doesn't go to sleep, but rather plays in the bed, or gets out of the bed and then I have to go and tell him to get back in the bed, causing yet another round of crying. This can go on for over an hour, some days over two hours. What he does is so much more than your typical two-year-old tantrum.
Today this lasted for over an hour. As usual, I am frazzled, tired, frustrated and angry. I don't know what to do and I am sure that with all of my professional training I should know what to do. Since I can't figure out what to do to help my child or to help myself from feeling this way then surely I am the one with the problem, that I am the one doing something wrong. I tell myself that any mother dealing with this would feel this way, but that doesn't make me feel any better.
I can tell you what will happen once he falls asleep. He will sleep soundly for at least 2 hours, sometimes up to 3. Thankfully, once I can get him to sleep he does take a good nap. When he wakes, he will be hungry because it will be almost supper time (because he took so long to go to sleep and then slept 2-3 hours) and he will immediately be fussy, irritable and crying. He won't be ready to go to sleep on time because his nap lasted so late into the afternoon.....and then we start all over again.
I feel alone and isolated. I've tried talking to other mothers, even my own family. My sister makes a point to tell me that she doesn't have any trouble with my son, it's just me, that I can't handle him, even to go so far as to tell me on a regular basis that I shouldn't have any more children since I can't handle that one that I have. She has never even tried to keep him during nap time, or over night, or for more than three hours at a time for that matter. I don't feel like my in-laws understand why we don't want to plan to do things that interfere with nap time. We've tried to tell them but they don't seem to understand. I've had friends tell me that when their child(ren) act(s) out it is because they need more loving attention. If my child would let me give him more loving attention, I would give it to him, but that is impossible to do when your child is screaming and yelling and is only upset more by your trying to touch or console him.
And just in case any of you are starting to wonder if my child has any sort of social interaction disorder, don't worry, he does not. He loves to be around people and other children, is loving and caring, kind and conscientious - just not when it is time for his nap or time to go to bed. Mind you, he is stubborn and strong willed all of time, but that we can deal with, it's the behaviors that center around sleep that are so extreme.
I'm not expecting anyone who reads this to have any answers, I just felt the need to write some of it today. The stress of this day after day just wears on me and sometimes it just feels like too much for me to keep all on the inside. I'm taking my vitamins and lots of omega supplements, exercising regularly and trying to get enough sleep at night to help me manage the stress, but I sure wish I knew how to make this better for all of us. It hurts my heart so much to see him so upset and hear him so distressed.
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Every other mother would feel that way! I have a sleeper...but I also have a nonsleeper. So I can empathize.
ReplyDeleteWe only do a very modified CIO (where we will comfort, but not talk to the child...so he knows we are there but that is it) and we leave the room if our presence seems more upsetting (which seems similiar to what you do when you say sometimes you don't have a choice). I don't have any words of wisdom from my personal experience, though, since we don't even do the modified until 9 months, and Loki's not there yet!
However, a friend of mine in a situation like yours had a recent break-through that I wanted to share. It totally might not work for you, but since it did for her, I thought I'd share and you can just ignore me if you hate the idea or have already had it fail.
She doesn't do naptime AT ALL. Instead, they do rest time. Music, a book, a small toy...they are all okay, as long as she lays in bed. They set a timer, maybe for 45 minutes, and she can get up when she is done resting. It definitely means no nap sometimes, but there's no crying or fighting and there is rest.
As for bedtime, well, I've got nothing. :/
Neal used to cry himself to sleep, too - not so much at nap time as bedtime. I used to try everything to get him to sleep calmly, and then one night, worn out, I decided to time how long he cried before he fell asleep. It turned out what I would have been willing to swear was 20 or more minutes of crying was 5.
ReplyDeleteYears later I realized that my attempts to help him sleep just kept him awake, and that he needed to unwind in his own way. I'm not saying that it's the same for Mason, just sharing an experience in case it helps.
Oh, and when he was Mason's age, I scheduled a plane trip tat went miles out of the way with two stops, but no switching, to avoid having to haul him on the plane at nap time. Tell your in-laws that.
They're always better behaved for everyone else but mama. Mama is the one you can let your hair down with. I think it was T. Berry Brazleton who pointed this out - kids that age work very hard to keep separation anxiety in check when they are left with someone who is not a regular caregiver (it's part of their growing up process), and then when mom comes back, they don't have to do that any more. So if she doesn't have any trouble with him, it's because you are a good mother, and he is bonding with you appropriately.