Over the last several years, we have had multiple issues with our home, further complicated by life's events. Let me give you a sort of time line of events so I can preface some of the things I am dealing with now.
Dec. 2003 - got married. Husband living in another state, trying to finish school. Spent all of 2004 working and traveling back and forth, preparing for husband to graduate and for us to move into one home together.
Oct 2004 - I am sick, I cannot get well - I have something like chronic fatigue syndrome and chronic sinus problems. I find out that there is mold growing in my carpet, there is an undetermined leak in possibly the slab of my home. That is why I am sick.
Nov 2004 - I pack up everything in my home and move it into my garage. The flooring is removed so the leak can be found. The concrete slab in my home is treated with a bleach solution to kill the mold. Move only the essentials back into the house as is possible, a little at a time.
Dec 2004 - Husband is supposed to graduate. He failed a class. He is moving out of our apartment and to our home. Everything goes into the garage. We start trying to find the leak and fix it.
2005 - Took about 6 months to locate 2 leaks. Then to let the slab "dry out." Husband not working - repeated class via correspondence. Graduated in May.
Aug 2005 - Hurricane Katrina. Roof and exterior damage to our home.
Nov 2005 - Finally FLOORING! Finally we can start putting our home together. Sorting boxes a little at a time. I am working 40-50hrs per week, husband is not good at organizing, so not much is getting done.
June 2006 - find out that I am pregnant. Husband is still without work. I am working, really not getting anything done at home now.
Fall 2006 - Finally get roof replaced from hurricane. Husband is working, but not in his field and no benefits.
Dec 31 2006 - Valve gets stuck on toilet, floods 3/4 of our home with water in a matter of minutes. All flooring has be to removed and replaced. (6wks before my due date).
Jan 2007 - Hallelujah! Husband is hired with a full-time job in his field with benefits. The bad news is that he has to commute 1 1/2 hrs each way to get there.
Feb 2007 - son is born. From the time we brought him home, son will not sleep unless he is held, will wake up if you put him down.
March 2007 - son diagnosed with reflux, medicines help with crying/screaming/colic, but not with sleep issues.
July 2007 - I am diagnosed with an abscessed tooth caused from grinding my teeth in my sleep. What sleep? My son still won't sleep if he is not held. I am exhausted. I am also diagnosed with anxiety and depression caused not so much by postpartum as extreme stress and sleep deprivation. Stress? What stress?
I've come a long way since then, even though it doesn't always feel like it. No more antidepressant medicine for almost a year now. My son has started sleeping by himself, just in the last few months, so I am finally getting some sleep. He still wakes up during the night at least 3-4 nights a week but my dear husband gets up and puts him back to bed. I am exercising and eating better. I've lost 15lbs since this past October. I have learned to sew and to crochet.
BUT, there are boxes in my garage that have yet to be unpacked. There is clutter in piles in every room of my house. The chaos makes me want to yell and scream at everyone sometimes. I hate it. If there is a stronger word than hate, please insert it here.
Where did the clutter come from? From trying to unpack and not getting to finish, from a big mess when the house flooded right before my son was born, from not being able to clean and organize regularly or maintain any organizational routines that I had in place before my son was born, from being too tired to be motivated to try to do anything, etc, etc.
So what am I doing now? Daily de-cluttering efforts, cleaning out and getting rid of excess, setting up daily routines and organizing areas of my home. In addition to my own efforts I have started using FlyLady's techniques and tips and am tailoring them to fit my own needs. It is a slow progress but I am finally starting to feel encouraged - like maybe, just maybe my home won't be cluttered for as long as I live and maybe, just maybe at some point in the future I can think about putting baseboards down.
I have recently realized that I am scared to feel encouraged. After everything that has happened, it is as if I don't dare be encouraged that I might get out of this mess and move on with my life. I know in my heart that this chaos and mess and clutter is NOT God's plan for my life.
I am learning discipline through daily routines and exercise. I am learning to persevere and I am teaching my husband a few organizational techniques along the way. I am also teaching my son to pick up after himself and to help with the daily routines as much as a two year old can. Just this afternoon he delivered the folded clothes to the bedroom in his Tonka dump truck. These are good things!
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Thanksgiving
There is a 13lb turkey baking in my oven. It is stuffed with rice dressing. There are plans for green beans, boiled corn on the cob and whole berry cranberry sauce to go with it. My mother delivered a small pan of cornbread dressing as her contribution to our meal. I am counting my blessings one by one.
Why am I having a Thanksgiving feast when I should be getting ready for Mother's Day? Therein lies the rub. On Tuesday I had planned to surprise my husband with supper cooked on the grill outside. I had it all planned. Roasted corn on the cob, baked beans, hot dogs and deer burgers. I had the buns, the lettuce and tomatoes. I had already chopped the onions. I went to the garage to get the ground meat from our freezer. I was shocked to find the door a couple of inches open and all of the contents defrosted. Upon reflection, my husband and I have determined that he was the last to use the freezer, on Saturday. He denies having left it open. It doesn't matter how it got open, the fact remains that 90% of the contents of our freezer had to be thrown out.
The insult on top of bandaged injury was too much. I was angry and crying when I called him at work to tell him he needed to come home. There was no way I could clean up the mess by myself with a toddler underfoot. All of our deer meat, enough to last us for the greater portion of the year, all of our frozen vegetables and fresh frozen strawberries for making smoothies, a turkey, meals that I had prepared and put away in preparation for nights when I don't have time to cook - all of it had to be thrown out. Oh, did I cry.
Last week we were so incredibly blessed. My mother-in-law's best friend's ex-husband (did you have to read that twice?) recently passed away. He entrusted all of his belongings to his ex-wife. She chose a few personal items that she wanted and invited friends and family over to clean out his apartment. It was a free for all event. If you like it, if you can use it, if you want it, please take it. Among other things, I was offered the entire contents of his pantry. Being the frugal cook that I am and knowing that I regularly cook meals for my church's HELPS ministry, I refused none of it. I was able to pack up his entire pantry of canned goods and shelf stable items like soup mixes and pasta and deliver them to the middle of my kitchen floor in boxes and bags. It took me almost all of last week to get it all organized and sorted and put away. I was so thankful and just kept praising God for such a huge blessing. And then this week to have to throw out so much food.
There were two turkeys in my freezer from January. One was all the way in the back and was only just starting to thaw so I moved it to the refrigerator and let it finish thawing yesterday with plans to cook today. I love roasted turkey. Whole roasted turkeys make me think of family gatherings, comfort food and leftover turkey goodness. I can't eat roasted turkey, no matter what time of year it is, without stopping to count my blessings, to make a conscious note of all that I have to be so very grateful for.
Today I am thankful. I choose to be thankful.
I have washed two loads of laundry and have hung them on the line to dry. I've cooked a wonderful supper for my family and have meals planned for the leftovers. My family is healthy. My husband has a full-time job. We have a home, with a roof, and it does not leak. No one in my family is in danger of going hungry, even with all of the food that was thrown away. I have a working dryer, even if I only use it when it rains or I don't have time to put the clothes on the line. I have a husband who loves me, and he only loves me. I have a job. I have childcare that I can completely trust while I am at work (thanks Mom!). And that is just the beginning of my list...
Why am I having a Thanksgiving feast when I should be getting ready for Mother's Day? Therein lies the rub. On Tuesday I had planned to surprise my husband with supper cooked on the grill outside. I had it all planned. Roasted corn on the cob, baked beans, hot dogs and deer burgers. I had the buns, the lettuce and tomatoes. I had already chopped the onions. I went to the garage to get the ground meat from our freezer. I was shocked to find the door a couple of inches open and all of the contents defrosted. Upon reflection, my husband and I have determined that he was the last to use the freezer, on Saturday. He denies having left it open. It doesn't matter how it got open, the fact remains that 90% of the contents of our freezer had to be thrown out.
The insult on top of bandaged injury was too much. I was angry and crying when I called him at work to tell him he needed to come home. There was no way I could clean up the mess by myself with a toddler underfoot. All of our deer meat, enough to last us for the greater portion of the year, all of our frozen vegetables and fresh frozen strawberries for making smoothies, a turkey, meals that I had prepared and put away in preparation for nights when I don't have time to cook - all of it had to be thrown out. Oh, did I cry.
Last week we were so incredibly blessed. My mother-in-law's best friend's ex-husband (did you have to read that twice?) recently passed away. He entrusted all of his belongings to his ex-wife. She chose a few personal items that she wanted and invited friends and family over to clean out his apartment. It was a free for all event. If you like it, if you can use it, if you want it, please take it. Among other things, I was offered the entire contents of his pantry. Being the frugal cook that I am and knowing that I regularly cook meals for my church's HELPS ministry, I refused none of it. I was able to pack up his entire pantry of canned goods and shelf stable items like soup mixes and pasta and deliver them to the middle of my kitchen floor in boxes and bags. It took me almost all of last week to get it all organized and sorted and put away. I was so thankful and just kept praising God for such a huge blessing. And then this week to have to throw out so much food.
There were two turkeys in my freezer from January. One was all the way in the back and was only just starting to thaw so I moved it to the refrigerator and let it finish thawing yesterday with plans to cook today. I love roasted turkey. Whole roasted turkeys make me think of family gatherings, comfort food and leftover turkey goodness. I can't eat roasted turkey, no matter what time of year it is, without stopping to count my blessings, to make a conscious note of all that I have to be so very grateful for.
Today I am thankful. I choose to be thankful.
I have washed two loads of laundry and have hung them on the line to dry. I've cooked a wonderful supper for my family and have meals planned for the leftovers. My family is healthy. My husband has a full-time job. We have a home, with a roof, and it does not leak. No one in my family is in danger of going hungry, even with all of the food that was thrown away. I have a working dryer, even if I only use it when it rains or I don't have time to put the clothes on the line. I have a husband who loves me, and he only loves me. I have a job. I have childcare that I can completely trust while I am at work (thanks Mom!). And that is just the beginning of my list...
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Learning to Walk
When a baby is born, he/she begins the inherent process of growing, learning and developing. No one tells the baby to grow, to learn and to develop. First the baby develops head control, next trunk control and then limb control. Soon the baby is kicking and scooting on the floor, then learning to crawl, next, pulling up to stand and finally those first few steps when all he/she has worked for comes to fruition.
Have you ever watched a baby just learning to scoot? On his stomach, trying to hold his head up, kicking one or both legs, so intent to move forward. That's where I've been for the past several years. Desperate to move forward, doing everything I know how to do, and getting nowhere fast. I have to believe that I'm going to start crawling, or maybe I'm crawling now and don't know it yet, and that at some point I will be walking again. Just like that baby, something inside me keeps me pushing forward.
I could list all of the things on top of things that have happened in the last several years, but that would make all of us cry. For now, I'm focusing on moving forward. I refuse to quit, I refuse to give up and I refuse to accept my life and my circumstances as they are.
Have you ever watched a baby just learning to scoot? On his stomach, trying to hold his head up, kicking one or both legs, so intent to move forward. That's where I've been for the past several years. Desperate to move forward, doing everything I know how to do, and getting nowhere fast. I have to believe that I'm going to start crawling, or maybe I'm crawling now and don't know it yet, and that at some point I will be walking again. Just like that baby, something inside me keeps me pushing forward.
I could list all of the things on top of things that have happened in the last several years, but that would make all of us cry. For now, I'm focusing on moving forward. I refuse to quit, I refuse to give up and I refuse to accept my life and my circumstances as they are.
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